WHAT IF?!....everyone on the planet heard that there existed an insidious epidemic of major proportions, one in which affected millions of people, impacted ones’ mental and physical health (could deplete nutrients needed by the immune system: norepinephrine, potassium, taurine, tyrosine, vitamin B-5, zinc, could affect antibodies, and increase cholesterol. This epidemic could cause one to doubt reality and sometimes withdraw from real life into an alternate reality. Some of the (few) symptoms would show up as: hyper-arousal, irritability, sudden anger, difficulty concentrating or sleeping, easily startled, emotionally detached, fatigue, fear and psychic trauma, depression, illness, alcohol or drugs - a numb feeling of powerless and dependency - but there was no way to tell if you had it…..the beginnings of the disease usually took place in secret…..Wouldn’t we have a world-wide outcry to come up with a treatment/vaccine? The only vaccine we have against this horror which pervades our world - education.
The "WHAT IF" IS A REALITY. Verbal Abuse: Words which disempower and tell a lie about another, one person attempting to manipulate, control and degrade another with belittling, accusations, blaming and shaming. It can also be covert, so that the abused person is unaware of what is happening. This is literal and systematic - brainwashing - the same techniques - used in prisoner-of-war camps (The Stockholm Syndrome can be a result). Verbal Abuse: A Form of Biochemical Assault. Verbal Abuse: The Unrecognized “cancer” in our Society
I consider myself an “expert” in verbal abuse. I lived with verbal abuse for a total of 37 years. Since verbal abuse is at the forefront of ALL abuse, it is of utmost importance to educate everyone. I prefer the term overcomer rather than….. survivor---- since overcomer denotes action. The book which took me 25 years to find, explained everything that was happening to me: The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans--- should be required reading for everyone on the planet. This is a subject, which is not understood, unless one has experienced it. Even psychologists and psychiatrists, who have not been specifically trained, have little or no awareness of what it comprises, or what it does to the person being abused. Most women who are being abused, have no awareness of what is happening to them. I have been counseling abused women for the past 15 years, due to a lifetime of abuse and years of research. My therapist (expert in spiritual abuse---story to follow----says that I am at least “at a graduate school level in regards to verbal abuse.” The most humbling experience of a lifetime was when a woman (met her on the Internet) told me that I had prevented her from committing suicide, and had given her “a reason to live.” I am fortunate to have been given many gifts—dance (ballet), singing, writing and healing. My credentials are experiential in nature, and find I am trusted immediately, because of my history and my tactful, non-judgmental way of dealing with people in pain.
I grew up with a mentally-ill mother (not sure what her diagnosis would have been/would be)…most likely Bi-Polar (her father was in a mental institution). She was verbally and physically abusive, and I was the scapegoat (as is usual in families). She worked in the shoe factory, and used me for her stress relief. I never knew what her behavior would be, so I never brought any friends home. I never knew my father (met him when I was 32----he has since died---I planned his funeral---over the phone in another state---for a person I never knew---another story). I was molested by a drunken neighbor while asleep (cannot remember what happened, and cannot pin down an exact age---probably 10 or 11. Another drunken neighbor held my hand over an open fire. In regards to being molested, my mother had left my sister and I alone, and had gone into town. This should never have happened---we lived in a tenement house, which was 120 years old, with criminal-type neighbors. The wood in the shed was all charred from some long-ago fire, and snow came in through a large crack in the wall. There were cockroaches and rats, bare wiring, no insulation, no foundation---and those were the positives about the place!. The whole house was a code-violation. We were poverty-stricken: no refrigerator, bathroom, phone, car, or hot running water., etc., etc. This sounds like the 1860’s, but it was the 1960’s!
I joined the army right out of high school. This was the first time I was allowed to make any decision, and it was the best decision I ever made. If I had stayed in the small town in Maine (or as I like to call it, Heaven), my life would have been the shoe factory of the Five-and-Ten Cent store. I was in culture shock for about a year….from a little town in Maine (or as I like to call it…Heaven) Always a shock to walk through the gates of the Presidio of San Francisco (where I was stationed), wearing my uniform, while my contemporaries were sitting there in their hippieness (new word I just made up)….protesting….…to San Francisco---at the height of the Vietnam War, Peace and Love, Hippies, drugs, etc…..I had never seen a person of another race before, or had any information on drugs or homosexuality, etc.. Fortunately, I had not learned prejudice---and to this day---am a free thinker and free spirit!
I met and “married” my mother and tried to fix the past. For 31 years I lived with verbal abuse, and some physical abuse (I took pictures of the bruises, it made me so angry---most women start preparing to get a divorce many years beforehand---they start saving money, going back to school, hiding important papers, etc.). When I decided to get a divorce, I experienced a kind of abuse I had never heard of: Spiritual Abuse……my church family of 31 years voted me out of membership, 2 years ago on September 29th (my birthday!). I fought the (legalistic, sexist, abusive church system) for 18 months---not only to try and retain my membership, but to attempt to make a difference, and prevent the pastor (of disaster) from “counseling” any more women, because two of them wanted to commit suicide (because of his “counsel.”). It is my intent to try and get a bill passed which would prohibit clergy members from counseling anyone, unless they have the credentials----just like any other mental health provider. The damage done by these (ego-driven) pastors is appalling, and consider the height of arrogance, when you tell a pastor that his “counseling” is causing people to want to commit suicide-----and he continues!? There is also a pedophile component to this story.
I found a therapist who was/is an expert in spiritual abuse…..unbelievable, because I had never heard the term before. He walked with me through the 18 month nightmare. He said he was happy to journey with me, but that I did all of the work. He attended one of the meetings, and said that I “seemed to be almost enjoying myself.” I was! I faced 17 men, and attempted to educate them regarding abuse…I put together a folder for each of them, outlining the chronology of events which led to the divorce, and information on abuse and handed it out…..in a sense behaving like I was in charge of the meeting! My therapist said he had never seen “a slicker bunch of politicians in his life,” and he has been counseling church people for 25 years!
The evening of the “Inquisition”---”My name was put up on a big screen in front of the congregation, followed by the words: CONDUCT UNBECOMING A CHILD OF GOD. After my ex-husband’s name, the words: Church Discipline—sexist, as well as spiritually abusive--how ironic---my ex-husband was the abuser. I was called to a meeting of the deacons (17 men), and not allowed to have a woman present. I was asked if I was “still having sex with my ex.” They had no boundaries, and so….did not recognize them in someone else. While the pastor was passing out the ballots for the congregation to vote with, he was cracking jokes and laughing. I sat there quietly with class and dignity….in stunned silence…….The congregation followed suit. I call this group-think or mob-mentality. This is how we got a Hitler and a Jim Jones—parking ones’ brain at the door, as it were.
The result of this debacle was that something beautiful came from the ashes: my website: www.churchabusepoetrytherapy.com. Over 150 poems came pouring from my wounded soul----Faith-based poems for anyone hurting from any…thing. It has been a phenomenon---over 4,200 hits in a year. I have heard from incredible people from all over the planet: Ph.D.’s, psychiatrists, psychologists, authors, artists, pastors---even from some Messianic Jews in Jerusalem, Israel….I called them and spoke with them---they prayed with me in Hebrew---a most powerful experience. My therapist said that I had performed “restorative justice.” How I love that phrase---in other words---this is what you did---this is how it made me feel. Incredibly empowering to one who has lived with abuse for a lifetime. I am on that path now. I wrote to every attendee at the church and addressed: legalism in a church, spiritual abuse, the church’s twisted stance on divorce and verbal abuse. I invited anyone who wanted help with verbal abuse to contact me. The letter took 10 hours to put together. I assumed (and was correct) that no one would contact me. What a shame----the statistics are that one in three women are being abused.
My therapist asked me how I had gotten through life virtually unscathed. My answer was: my faith and wicked sense of humor and twisted wit. Without my humor, I would be drooling in a corner somewhere. I am the transcendent child of whom Lillian Rubin speaks of, in her book of the same title. I have incredible resiliency and tenacity. This may be genetic. My ancestor, Captain Sam (Whittemore) was 80 years of age in 1776. He went out to fight the British, and single-handedly killed 3 of them outright. They were enraged and beat him, bayoneted him 14 times, and shot off half of his face. Not only did he live, he lived to be 96 years old. There is a bill in the House (Massachusetts) to make him a Hero of the Commonwealth.
I have written my (as of yet---unpublished) memoir: Ghost Child to Triumph----from a child with no voice, to someone who stands up against injustice, ignorance and cruelty, which seems to pervade our society.
In regards to restorative justice, I wrote a letter to the pastor requesting restitution/reimbursement for damages for the money that I had to pay for counseling. Both my therapist (and attorney---another miracle---an attorney who counsels abused women for free) did not think the pastor would take my letter seriously. I did though---it was a powerful letter. He did take me seriously, and I am now in negotiations with the church’s insurance company. I told the pastor that I intended to share the proceeds with the 2 women, who because of his “counseling” wanted to commit suicide, and then I said: Now THAT would be restorative justice!
I invite you to view my website and comment. This has been the “Reader’s Digest” version of my journey in life. I will not stop speaking up about the issues of which I am passionate about----verbal abuse and spiritual abuse. Unless or until the cancer on our society---verbal abuse----is brought out—addressed and people are educated…(mostly) women will continue to live in confusion, fear and ignorance at what is happening to them. Verbal abuse is literal brainwashing…the same techniques which are used in prisoner-of-war camps, are the same techniques used in verbal abuse. The Stockholm syndrome is also something which happens to the abused.
In my research, I found a shocking fact. The number one indicator of whether a person will smoke or not (regardless of race, age or societal position in life) is if she/he was molested. I smoke.
